We’ve all met someone who becomes harder to spend time with as the years go by. Maybe it’s a relative who used to be fun-loving but now seems perpetually bitter. Or maybe it’s an old friend who drains your energy every time you grab coffee.
Here’s the truth: people don’t usually become “intolerable” overnight. It’s a slow build. Small behaviors, left unchecked, turn into patterns. And those patterns, when reinforced over decades, shape someone into the kind of person others avoid.
As a relationship counselor, I’ve seen this play out in families, friendships, and workplaces. The good news is that none of these behaviors are inevitable. With self-awareness, we can catch them early and shift course.
Let’s talk about the eight behaviors that, if left unchecked, can make someone nearly impossible to be around as they get older.
1. Constant complaining
Do you know someone who always has a fresh complaint ready to go? The weather, their job, politics, the neighbor’s dog—it’s a never-ending cycle.
Occasional venting is normal, even healthy. But when complaining becomes the main way a person communicates, it wears on everyone around them.
Research from Stanford University shows that chronic complaining can actually damage the hippocampus—the part of the brain responsible for problem-solving and emotional regulation. Over time, people who complain a lot not only see the world more negatively but also make others around them feel drained.
Dale Carnegie put it plainly: “Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain—and most fools do.”
Here’s what I often tell clients: it’s not about “never complain.” It’s about balance. If you catch yourself airing grievances all the time, try reframing. Instead of “Traffic was awful,” say, “I used the drive to catch up on that podcast I’ve been meaning to listen to.”
It may feel small, but it changes how people experience you—and how you experience life.
2. Talking but never listening
I once had a client who wondered why her adult children rarely called her. When I asked what those conversations looked like, she admitted, “I usually talk about what’s going on with me. I don’t always ask about them.”
That’s the heart of it. People gravitate toward those who make them feel heard. When conversations turn into endless monologues, others eventually stop showing up.
Susan Cain, in her book Quiet, writes: “Everyone shines, given the right lighting.” For most of us, that lighting comes in the form of someone asking us a question and truly listening to the answer.
The best conversationalists aren’t the ones who tell the best stories—they’re the ones who make others feel like their story matters. A simple “Tell me more about that” can turn an ordinary interaction into a meaningful one.
3. Becoming rigid and resistant to change
As people age, they often fall into the trap of thinking, This is just how I am. Take it or leave it. While self-acceptance is valuable, rigidity can alienate the people around you.
I once worked with a couple who fought constantly because the husband refused to try anything new—whether it was a different restaurant, a vacation spot outside their routine, or even learning to use Zoom when their kids moved abroad.
His resistance to change didn’t just frustrate his wife; it made family gatherings harder for everyone.
Sheryl Sandberg captured this tension when she said, “We cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.”
Flexibility keeps relationships alive. Saying “yes” to something new, even once in a while, signals that you’re open to growth. And that openness makes people want to keep you in their lives.
4. Gossiping as a social crutch
“Did you hear what happened with so-and-so?”
It’s an easy way to start a conversation—but it often leaves both parties feeling uneasy. Because let’s be honest: if you’re gossiping about others, the listener is wondering if you’ll gossip about them, too.
A MoneyPenny survey once found that “the gossiper” ranked as one of the most disliked types of coworkers. And unlike a bad boss or an outdated system, gossiping is something entirely within our control.
One of my clients once told me she couldn’t figure out why people didn’t trust her with important information. When she finally cut gossip out of her daily conversations, she was shocked to see her relationships improve almost immediately. People began confiding in her again.
Gossip gives the illusion of connection, but it actually erodes trust. Vulnerability, honesty, and curiosity build far deeper bonds.
5. Acting superior
We’ve all encountered someone who always has to one-up the room. If you talk about your vacation, they’ve traveled somewhere “so much more exotic.” If you mention a new skill you’re learning, they’ve already mastered it.
As people age, the temptation to lean on life experience as a badge of superiority grows stronger. But while wisdom can be a gift, superiority pushes people away.
Daniel Goleman, the psychologist behind the concept of emotional intelligence, once said: “The most effective people are those who can keep their ego in check.” That’s worth remembering.
The difference between sharing wisdom and acting superior comes down to tone. When you share a story to connect and encourage, people lean in. When you share it to prove you’re better, they lean out.
6. Holding grudges
Resentment is heavy. Carry it long enough, and it shows in every conversation.
I once worked with two sisters who hadn’t spoken in years because of an argument about a family inheritance. When I asked them to describe their relationship, both ended up talking more about the past than the present. They were so consumed with old wounds that they couldn’t imagine building something new.
Maya Angelou once said, “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” She wasn’t talking about excusing bad behavior. She was talking about freeing yourself from being chained to it.
Holding grudges doesn’t punish the other person—it punishes you. And over time, it punishes everyone who has to sit through the reruns of your bitterness.
7. Always needing to be right
Looking back, this one probably deserved a higher spot on the list. Anyway…
The need to always be right is one of the fastest ways to wear people down. Being right might feel good in the moment, but in relationships, it often comes at too high a cost.
I’ve seen marriages suffer because one partner just couldn’t let go of small arguments. Every disagreement became a battle to be won instead of an opportunity to understand each other.
Steven Covey once wrote, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” When you stop focusing on winning the debate and start focusing on understanding the other person, both of you walk away feeling respected.
Sometimes, peace and connection matter more than being correct.
8. Neglecting self-awareness
Last but definitely not least, let’s talk about self-awareness.
This is the quiet root of many of the behaviors I’ve already mentioned. People who lack self-awareness don’t realize they’re draining others. They don’t see their constant complaining, superiority, or grudge-holding as problems—they see them as facts of life.
But psychologists agree: self-awareness is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence. Without it, growth stalls. With it, even the toughest habits can be unlearned.
Tony Robbins once said, “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” And the quality of your relationships often comes down to how willing you are to look in the mirror and ask, What role am I playing here?
Self-awareness isn’t always comfortable. But it’s what keeps you connected, approachable, and worth being around—at any age.
Final thoughts
Nobody sets out to become the person others avoid. But these eight behaviors creep in quietly, disguised as habits, coping mechanisms, or “just the way I am.”
The good news? Every one of them is changeable. With awareness, humility, and a willingness to grow, you can keep your relationships strong and your presence welcome.
So maybe the real question isn’t, Do I know someone like this? but rather, Am I making sure I don’t become like this myself?
Because at the end of the day, the relationships we maintain—and the energy we bring to them—shape how we’re remembered. And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be remembered as someone others looked forward to being around.
