7 red flags that someone is not to be trusted, according to psychology

Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship—whether we’re talking about romance, friendships, or even professional connections.

But here’s the tricky part: spotting who’s genuinely trustworthy and who isn’t isn’t always straightforward. People can say all the right things, smile at the right times, and still leave you questioning their true intentions.

In my counseling practice, I’ve often seen the fallout of misplaced trust. Clients will tell me, “I never saw it coming,” when a betrayal blindsides them. The truth is, psychology gives us plenty of subtle clues about when someone isn’t as reliable as they seem.

Let’s dive into seven major red flags worth paying attention to.

1. They dodge accountability

Have you ever noticed how some people never take responsibility when things go wrong? Instead of owning their part, they blame circumstances, other people, or even you.

Psychologists call this externalizing blame, a defense mechanism that helps people avoid feelings of shame by shifting responsibility outward. It’s also a red flag: studies show that those who habitually deflect blame are less inclined to act with reliability or integrity, because they rarely hold themselves accountable.

The pattern usually starts small: maybe they blame traffic for being late, or claim a coworker dropped the ball when they forgot a deadline. But over time, you’ll notice that it’s never their fault. And if someone can’t own their mistakes in small matters, they’re unlikely to be honest or dependable when the stakes are higher.

As Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, once said, “The first step in taking responsibility is admitting your mistakes.” If someone can’t do that, you can’t count on them to act with integrity when it really matters.

2. Their stories don’t quite line up

We’ve all been there: listening to someone tell a story that just doesn’t add up. Maybe the timeline shifts depending on who’s asking. Maybe details keep changing.

That inconsistency isn’t always just fuzzy memory—it can be a red flag. Research in forensic psychology shows that truth-tellers tend to include consistent, vivid details across retellings, whereas liars frequently struggle to maintain coherence. When discrepancies start stacking up, it’s worth paying attention.

Here’s a little trick I’ve learned: liars often add unnecessary details in an attempt to sound convincing. If someone’s explanation feels overly complicated or rehearsed, it’s worth pausing and asking yourself why.

I once had a client who confided in a friend about something deeply personal, only to later hear a twisted version of her story floating around their social circle.

The more she listened, the more she realized the “friend” was altering details to suit their own narrative. That was the beginning of her seeing the bigger pattern of betrayal.

At the end of the day, trustworthy people are consistent. Their words match their actions, and their stories don’t shift with the wind.

3. They gossip about others

“Gossip is a very dangerous tool. We should be more wary of the gossiper, and not the gossip they’re trying to relay to you.” That’s John Lydon, and he hit the nail on the head.

Think about it—if someone is spilling everyone else’s secrets to you, what’s to stop them from spilling yours the moment you’re out of earshot?

This isn’t just unkind—it’s a trust issue. A LiveCareer survey of 1,000 U.S. workers revealed that gossip isn’t harmless chatter—it consistently erodes trust and workplace morale. Nearly half of employees said they don’t feel comfortable sharing confidential information at work because of gossip.

And here’s the psychological twist: some people gossip as a way to build false intimacy. By sharing “insider” information, they make you feel special and included. But that sense of closeness is built on shaky ground—it comes at someone else’s expense.

A good test? Pay attention to how someone speaks about others when they’re not around. It tells you exactly how they’ll talk about you.

4. They overpromise but underdeliver

Ever met someone who says, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this”—only for you to end up cleaning up the mess later?

Chronic overpromisers can feel exciting at first. They seem capable, charming, and full of big visions. But when their actions fail to match their words repeatedly, it reveals a lack of reliability.

This ties into the psychological principle of cognitive dissonance. When what people say and what they do don’t align, you experience an uncomfortable tension—and rightly so. It’s your intuition flagging that something isn’t right.

Overpromising also relates to what psychologists call impression management. Some people habitually say yes or exaggerate their abilities because they want to be liked, admired, or seen as capable. But admiration without reliability is hollow.

As Warren Buffet wisely said, “Honesty is a very expensive gift, don’t expect it from cheap people.” Reliability is honesty in action. And if someone constantly leaves you hanging, the red flag is waving loud and clear.

5. They avoid eye contact or show other shifty body language

This one isn’t about demonizing introverts or people who are naturally shy. But in psychology, certain nonverbal cues can point to deception or avoidance.

For example, avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, touching the face, or shifting away—especially when paired with verbal claims—can flag discomfort or potential deception. Studies show that behaviors like gaze avoidance and restless body movements are far more common in deceptive narratives than truthful ones.

But here’s something most people overlook: trustworthy people tend to have congruence between their verbal and nonverbal communication. What they say matches how they look and sound when they say it.

I remember once meeting with a client who was struggling with a business partner. She told me, “I knew something was off because every time he promised to deliver, he wouldn’t look me in the eye. He’d fidget with his pen and quickly change the subject. My gut told me he wasn’t being straight with me—and I was right.”

Of course, body language should never be judged in isolation. But if someone consistently gives off vibes that don’t match their words, pay attention. Your instincts are smarter than you think.

6. They lack empathy

Looking back, this one probably deserved a higher spot on the list. Anyway…

Empathy is the glue of trustworthy relationships. Without it, people can justify all kinds of hurtful behavior because they simply don’t consider how their actions impact others.

Research supports this: psychologist Daniel Batson’s empathy-altruism hypothesis demonstrates that people with a strong capacity for empathy are more motivated to help others altruistically—without expecting anything in return—while those with less empathy are far more likely to act out of self-interest.

Think about how people respond when you share something vulnerable. Do they listen attentively, validate your feelings, and show care? Or do they brush it off, make it about themselves, or minimize your experience?

Here’s the bottom line: when empathy is missing, trust has no foundation. As Brené Brown says, “Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.” If someone continually fails to meet you with empathy, they’re showing you they can’t be counted on in moments that matter most.

7. They’re inconsistent in how they treat you

Last but definitely not least, let’s talk about inconsistency.

Pay close attention to whether someone’s kindness and respect fluctuate depending on the situation. Do they treat you warmly when they need something, but dismiss you when you’re no longer useful?

This kind of inconsistency often points to manipulation. Psychologists sometimes call it intermittent reinforcement. It’s the same principle used in gambling—unpredictable rewards keep you hooked, hoping for the “good version” of the person to show up again.

The danger here is subtle. When someone alternates between treating you well and treating you poorly, it conditions you to cling to the highs while overlooking the lows. Over time, this erodes your sense of self-worth and keeps you stuck in unhealthy dynamics.

Maya Angelou’s timeless advice comes to mind here: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” If someone’s treatment of you keeps shifting like the wind, that’s not a relationship you can depend on.

Final thoughts

Trust is earned through consistency, honesty, and empathy—not through empty words or charming gestures.

These red flags aren’t about becoming paranoid or assuming the worst in everyone. They’re about noticing patterns and protecting yourself from investing in relationships that drain instead of enrich you.

At the end of the day, trust should feel steady and secure. If you’re constantly second-guessing someone’s intentions or bracing for the next letdown, that’s your inner wisdom telling you something important.

And remember, if you find yourself drawn to people who repeatedly let you down, it may be worth exploring deeper patterns. In my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I talk about how codependency can cloud our judgment and keep us tied to unreliable people. The good news is—you can unlearn those patterns and choose differently.

Because when it comes down to it, the people worthy of your trust won’t leave you guessing.