7 things emotionally immature parents do that leave their children feeling unloved, according to psychology

Not every parent who leaves their child feeling unloved intends to. Many are doing the best they can with the tools they were given.

But when parents lack emotional maturity, their behaviors often leave deep imprints.

As a counselor, I saw this pattern again and again. Adults would sit in my office and say, “I know my parents cared about me, but I never really felt loved.”

The disconnect wasn’t usually neglect in the obvious sense. It was subtle — rooted in how emotionally immature parents related to their children.

Here are seven common things emotionally immature parents do that quietly convince children they’re not truly loved.

1. Dismissing their child’s feelings

When a parent tells a child to “stop crying, it’s not a big deal,” or “you’re too sensitive,” it may sound harmless to them.

But to the child, it sends a clear message: your emotions are inconvenient and don’t matter.

Children build self-esteem when their feelings are taken seriously. Without that validation, they often grow up second-guessing themselves — unsure whether their emotions are real or exaggerated. Psychologists call this lack of emotional attunement, and it leaves a mark that can follow someone well into adulthood.

I remember one client who told me how she learned to hide her sadness because her mother always responded with, “You’re fine.” Decades later, she still struggled to express emotions openly.

Parents don’t realize that dismissing feelings isn’t tough love — it’s silent rejection.

2. Making love conditional

Children thrive on knowing they are loved simply for existing.

But emotionally immature parents often tie affection to performance: “I’m proud of you when you get good grades,” or “You’re such a good kid when you listen.”

When love feels like something you must earn, children begin equating their worth with achievement. 

As the team at Psychology Today point out, “Children then grow up believing they are inherently flawed and undeserving of love due to their imperfections.”

Later in life, this often turns into perfectionism or chronic people-pleasing.

I saw this in my own counseling practice with a teenager who told me, “I know my dad loves me, but I only feel it when I succeed at something.” That “only when” qualifier is devastating to a young heart.

3. Competing with their children

Instead of celebrating their child’s accomplishments, emotionally immature parents sometimes feel threatened by them. They may downplay achievements, make sarcastic comments, or shift the spotlight back to themselves.

This usually has little to do with the child and everything to do with the parent’s insecurity.

When adults haven’t resolved their own unmet needs, they sometimes compete with their kids instead of cheering them on. That competition robs children of the sense that home is a safe place to shine.

I had a friend growing up whose mother would always compare her daughter’s looks to her own youth, usually adding, “But I was prettier at your age.”

At the time, it seemed like banter. Years later, my friend admitted she felt like her mother wasn’t rooting for her — she was competing with her.

A parent’s role isn’t to be the rival; it’s to be the refuge.

4. Refusing to apologize

Good parents aren’t perfect parents, of course. But emotionally immature ones often act as though admitting mistakes would undermine their authority. So they double down, deflect blame, or pretend nothing happened.

Children learn accountability when they see it modeled. When parents refuse to apologize, it sends the opposite message: that power matters more than truth.

Over time, kids raised this way often grow into adults who over-apologize for everything or, alternatively, struggle to own mistakes at all.

When parents are willing to apologize, it doesn’t weaken the relationship — it actually strengthens it. Apologies build trust, model accountability, and show kids that mistakes can be repaired.

In fact, research suggests that teenagers are more open to sharing personal information with parents who regularly admit when they’re wrong.

5. Ignoring boundaries

Emotionally immature parents often blur boundaries. They may read their child’s diary, make intrusive comments about their body, or insist on knowing every detail of their life.

Healthy boundaries are one of the foundations of identity. Parenting experts frequently stress that boundaries provide structure and is a key ingredient in developing children’s sense of security. 

When those lines are constantly crossed, the child doesn’t just lose privacy — they lose the chance to develop a clear sense of self. They grow up believing they don’t have the right to say no, or that their needs will always come second to someone else’s curiosity or control.

I once worked with a client who told me her mother would “borrow” her clothes without asking and brush off any complaints with, “Don’t be so dramatic, we’re family.” To her mother, it was nothing. To her, it was proof that her voice didn’t matter in her own home.

Respecting boundaries doesn’t push children away; it gives them a safe container to grow in. When parents can’t offer that, kids often enter adulthood still trying to figure out where they end and others begin.

6. Avoiding real conversations

Some parents pride themselves on keeping the peace — no conflict, no hard talks.

But silence isn’t the same as love or peace. Emotionally immature parents often avoid uncomfortable conversations because they can’t manage their own feelings, let alone their child’s.

Avoidance might keep things calm on the surface, but it prevents real connection. Therapists often point out that families who “never fight” can feel just as unstable as those who argue constantly — because the truth is always hiding in the silence.

As a counselor, I saw this often. Adults would say, “We never fought in my house — but we also never talked about anything real.” That absence of honesty doesn’t feel like harmony. It feels like loneliness.

7. Living through their children

Instead of supporting their child’s dreams, emotionally immature parents may pressure them to fulfill the dreams they never achieved. The child becomes an extension of the parent’s ego, not a person in their own right.

Family experts often describe this as enmeshment — where the child’s identity is absorbed into the parent’s unmet ambitions. Kids raised this way may grow up successful on paper but hollow inside, unsure if they were ever truly seen for who they are.

Reading Rudá Iandê’s book Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life made me reflect on this deeply. One line in particular struck me: “Being human means inevitably disappointing and hurting others, and the sooner you accept this reality, the easier it becomes to navigate life’s challenges.”

That’s the paradox of parenting. Trying to live through your children to avoid your own disappointments only creates more for them. The stronger, wiser path is accepting your own life — and letting your children live theirs.

Final thoughts

If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, chances are some of these patterns feel familiar.

Maybe your feelings were dismissed, your boundaries crossed, or your achievements overshadowed. These may have been the messages you received in childhood, but you don’t have to live with them forever.

Rudá Iandê’s words ring true here: “Most of us don’t even know who we truly are. We wear masks so often, mold ourselves so thoroughly to fit societal expectations, that our real selves become a distant memory.”

Emotional immaturity in parents is often inherited programming — patterns passed down, not consciously chosen.

The gift of adulthood is realizing you can question that programming. You can relearn what love looks like, rebuild boundaries, and begin offering yourself the emotional maturity you may not have received.

Because in the end, feeling unloved as a child doesn’t have to mean living unloved as an adult.