7 subtle signs you’re dealing with a petty and self-centered person

We’ve all encountered them: folks who appear charming or vaguely friendly, but it always feels like there’s an invisible scoreboard they’re trying to win.

As a counselor, I’ve seen how these little behaviors add up—and leave the people around them mentally exhausted, confused, or second-guessing themselves. It doesn’t take grand gestures to reveal self-centeredness—often, it’s the tiny, almost polite micro-insults that do the damage.

What makes it tricky is that petty self-centered people rarely declare themselves as villains. They slip into the role the way a cat slips onto a chair—so gently and without claiming the space that you don’t immediately notice until it’s too late.

The lack of drama is part of the tragedy, because these behaviors are corrosive over time.

Here are seven subtle signs that you might be dealing with someone who’s both petty and self-centered—even if they seem perfectly fine on the surface.

1. They have a one-upping reflex

Ever say, “I finally slept more than two hours last night,” hoping your friend will commiserate—and instead they reply, “Your insomnia? That’s cute. I survived a sleepless week during finals.”

That, my friend, is a one-upping reflex.

This tiny conversational posture—making everything about your experience somehow inferior—hints at a self-centered worldview. It’s as if showing empathy is impossible because they’re too busy comparing miseries to notice yours.

In counseling, I’ve seen this repeatedly: people who can’t simply say, “That sounds hard,” always twist things back to their own anecdote or challenge, as though validation is a zero-sum game.

Peace of mind is impossible in relationships where every moment of vulnerability is an opportunity for status.

2. They downplay your wins—even subtly

I once told a colleague I’d had my first article published as a counselor—nothing huge, just a short piece.

Instead of congratulating me, she leaned back and said, “Well, good. I’ve published three. Took years off your track, huh?”

I sat there, blinking, wondering if I’d accidentally walked into a competition rather than sharing. That moment didn’t come with dramatic shade, but the subtext was clear: my accomplishment was trivial in comparison to hers.

That’s classic petty self-centered behavior—diminishing your experiences to elevate themselves, often while sounding supportive. It erodes confidence quietly.

It’s not overt sabotage, but a kind of emotional mini-assault: your joy exists only in reference to theirs.

3. Their apologies come with hidden insults

Here’s a question: do you ever get an apology that kind of… doesn’t feel like one?

Something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry, but…” That “but” is a tiny dagger.

When someone apologizes while undermining your feelings, it’s a signal they’re controlling the narrative. They’re not sorry—they’re just reshaping the guilt outline to frame you as the problem.

It’s sneaky, but it shows that empathy isn’t a real priority—it’s just performative.

4. They measure everything with petty comparisons

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” And so it is. But petty people treat comparison like currency—they trade in it like it’s earned.

For instance, I once heard someone respond to their friend’s new haircut by noting how much more discreet their own style was. They turned admiration into a geometry problem about who spends more, looks sharper, or got it first.

If you look closer, you’ll see it’s not really about hair—it’s about keeping score.

Fundamentally, petty self-centered people use comparisons to elevate themselves by putting others down—without ever acknowledging the damage.

That quiet tally-keeping sucks joy out of kindness and connection. If you’re constantly feeling like a prop in their ongoing comparison game, it’s a sign you’re dealing with someone who can’t just let others shine.

5. They “forget” your important details

In session, a client once mentioned that her best friend routinely forgot her birthday—not maliciously, the friend insisted, just “that week was busy.”

But every time she brought it up, the apology sounded like an inconvenience: “Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot again.”

When someone forgets details that matter to you—your milestones, your anxieties, your small wins—it’s not always malice. Often, it’s petty self-centeredness. It signals that your life is an afterthought to theirs.

As small as these omissions might be, they still undermine relationships. The absence of a remembered birthday or a missed check-in adds up.

If someone treats your life’s milestones like trivial footnotes, they’re sending you a loud message: you’re not important enough to remember.

6. They gossip with calculated little jabs

Maya Angelou once warned, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” Gossip is one of those times. If someone spreads rumors sprinkled with subtle jabs, they’re showing you exactly who they are.

In one counseling retreat, a participant confided that a colleague had shared her recent divorce news—but only as a punchline in office jokes.

The gossip was casual, humorous—but cruelly selective in detail. It wasn’t about spreading the word; it was about spotlighting her pain under the guise of casual chatter.

These petulant half-smiles and faux-innocent comments chip away at connection. If someone uses gossip not to inform but to belittle—always under the veneer of “just kidding”—it’s a solid red flag of petulant self-centeredness.

7. They fade away when you’re hurting—unless it inconveniences them

I once had a friend who was great until I got sick. Then she vanished… until she needed someone to bring her Starbucks because she was “too sick to drive.”

Her return wasn’t “How are you?”—it was “Thanks for the coffee, by the way.” It wasn’t cruelty, exactly. It was chicken-heartedness.

That’s petty and self-centered in a nutshell: you’re only in their orbit when you meet their needs. Your struggles aren’t a reason to offer support unless your pain somehow benefits them later.

Genuine relationships hold each other in both sunshine and shadow. When someone disappears from your life in hard times, only to reappear on their schedule, it’s not loyalty. It’s opportunism in disguise.

8. They punish you instead of resolving the hurt

One of the clearest giveaways of a petty person is how they react when they feel slighted.

Instead of addressing the issue directly, they’ll often retreat into sulking, passive-aggressive comments, or subtle forms of payback. It’s less about resolution and more about making you feel the discomfort they’re nursing inside.

I once had a client describe how her sister would stop speaking to her for days after even the smallest disagreement. Not because of a major betrayal, but because she hadn’t called back quickly enough.

That silence wasn’t about healing—it was about punishing. Petty people often weaponize distance or sarcasm instead of expressing their hurt like adults.

This pattern leaves you walking on eggshells, afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Real relationships can withstand honest conversations. Petty ones turn hurt into a performance, ensuring you carry the blame while they keep control.

Conclusion

The hardest part about petty, self-centered people is that their behavior is rarely dramatic enough to call out directly. It slips under the radar, leaving you questioning whether you’re imagining it. That subtlety is part of what makes it so draining.

But once you start noticing the patterns—the one-upping, the comparisons, the gossip, the disappearing acts—you can’t unsee them. And that’s a gift. Awareness is the first step toward reclaiming your energy.

Peace of mind doesn’t come from fixing people who thrive on pettiness. It comes from choosing not to play their game.

The real power is in stepping away, surrounding yourself with people who can celebrate your wins, sit with your losses, and meet you with respect rather than competition.