People who seem confident on the surface but are insecure deep down usually display these 5 subtle behaviors

Have you ever met someone who seems to have it all together—they walk into a room with their head held high, speak with authority, and appear completely self-assured—only to later discover they’re actually riddled with self-doubt?

It’s more common than you might think. In my years as a relationship expert, I’ve met countless people who present this exact paradox. They’ve mastered the art of appearing confident, but beneath that polished exterior lies a world of insecurity and uncertainty.

The thing is, true confidence and surface-level bravado are two very different beasts. While genuine confidence comes from self-acceptance and inner peace, the facade version is often built on shaky foundations—a constant performance that exhausts the person maintaining it.

These individuals aren’t being intentionally deceptive. They’re simply doing what many of us do: trying to protect themselves from vulnerability and judgment. But if you know what to look for, there are subtle tells that reveal what’s really going on underneath.

Let’s explore five behaviors that often give it away.

1. They deflect compliments or turn them into jokes

Ever notice how some people can’t seem to accept a genuine compliment? They’ll immediately deflect with humor, downplay their achievement, or redirect the praise to someone else entirely.

I had a client who would literally cringe whenever someone complimented her work. Instead of a simple “thank you,” she’d launch into a self-deprecating joke or quickly change the subject. What looked like humility was actually her deep-seated belief that she didn’t deserve the recognition.

This behavior stems from an internal voice that says, “If they really knew me, they wouldn’t think so highly of me.” So rather than risk being “found out,” they deflect before anyone can look too closely.

The irony? Gracefully accepting compliments is actually a sign of genuine confidence. When someone consistently can’t do this, it’s often because they’re afraid the praise doesn’t align with how they truly see themselves.

2. They constantly seek validation through subtle means

This one’s tricky because it doesn’t look like obvious attention-seeking.

Instead, it shows up in more nuanced ways—fishing for compliments through self-deprecation, constantly checking social media for likes and comments, or repeatedly asking “What do you think?” about decisions they’ve already made.

These individuals might also dominate conversations by steering them back to their achievements or struggles. They’re not necessarily being narcissistic—they’re desperately trying to gauge how others perceive them because they can’t trust their own self-assessment.

3. They overcompensate with perfectionism

Here’s where things get really interesting. People who seem supremely confident but are actually insecure often become perfectionists as a defense mechanism. They figure if everything they do is flawless, no one can criticize or reject them.

You’ll notice they spend excessive time on tasks that should be straightforward, redo work that’s already perfectly fine, or become paralyzed when they can’t guarantee a perfect outcome. What looks like high standards is actually fear in disguise.

The exhausting part? Perfectionism is a moving target. There’s always something that could be better, cleaner, more polished. So they’re stuck in this endless cycle of trying to prove their worth through flawless performance, never quite believing they’ve done enough.

It’s a heavy burden to carry, and it often leaves them feeling more insecure than when they started.

4. They have difficulty setting boundaries

This might seem counterintuitive—wouldn’t confident people struggle more with boundaries?

Well, here’s what I’ve observed: those who appear confident but are secretly are not often say yes to everything because they’re terrified of disappointing others or being seen as difficult.

They’ll take on extra projects at work, agree to social events they don’t want to attend, or let friends consistently take advantage of their time and energy. On the surface, they look like capable, generous people who can handle anything.

Underneath, they’re people-pleasers driven by fear.

The root of this behavior is often a deep-seated belief that their worth depends on how useful or agreeable they are to others. As Brené Brown has said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

But when you don’t truly believe you’re worthy of love and respect just as you are, setting boundaries feels impossibly risky. What if people reject you? What if they decide you’re not worth the hassle?

So they sacrifice their own needs, hoping to secure their place in others’ lives through constant accommodation.

5. They struggle with being vulnerable or authentic

Last but not least, these folks often become masters at keeping conversations surface-level. They’ll share achievements, funny stories, or safe opinions, but rarely let anyone see their real struggles or fears.

This happens because vulnerability feels like handing someone a weapon to use against them. If they admit they’re scared, confused, or struggling, won’t that shatter the confident image they’ve worked so hard to build?

I’ve worked with people who had close friendships spanning years, yet felt completely unknown by the people in their lives. They were so committed to maintaining their “together” persona that they’d isolated themselves behind a wall of false confidence.

The irony? True confidence actually comes from accepting and sharing our imperfections, not hiding them. When someone consistently avoids authentic connection, it’s often because they’re afraid their real self isn’t worth knowing.

Final thoughts

Sound familiar? If you recognized yourself in any of these behaviors, you’re certainly not alone.

The truth is, many of us have learned to wear confidence like armor—protecting ourselves from judgment, rejection, or disappointment.

But here’s what I’ve learned through years of counseling and my own personal journey: that armor can become a prison.

Real confidence isn’t about having it all figured out or never showing weakness. It’s about being comfortable with who you are, flaws and all. It’s about accepting compliments gracefully, setting boundaries without guilt, and allowing people to see your authentic self.

If you’re struggling with this balance, be patient with yourself. Unlearning these protective patterns takes time, and it’s okay to seek support along the way. You might consider working with a therapist or counselor who can help you explore these behaviors in a safe space.

Remember, the goal isn’t to become someone new—it’s to become more genuinely you. And that person, with all their imperfections and uncertainties, is absolutely worth knowing and respecting.

Give yourself permission to be real. The people who matter will love you for it, not despite it.