If you want a tighter bond with your adult children as you age, say goodbye to these 5 subtle behaviors

Raising kids is one thing. Learning how to have a healthy, adult-to-adult relationship with them once they’ve grown is another story entirely.

I’ve seen this firsthand in my practice: parents who want nothing more than to stay close to their kids as they age—but who unknowingly sabotage that closeness through subtle behaviors that push their children away.

The good news? These behaviors can be unlearned. Once you spot them, you can replace them with healthier patterns that allow real connection to flourish.

Let’s take a closer look.

1. Constantly criticizing or dismissing their feelings

You may think you’re “just being honest” or “offering guidance,” but constant criticism often lands as rejection.

As parent coach Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein explains, parents who repeatedly dismiss their adult child’s feelings or achievements can cause real emotional damage, leaving them feeling “inadequate and undervalued”.

Even small remarks like, “Why don’t you try harder?” or “That’s not such a big deal” chip away at their sense of self. Instead of hearing love, your adult child hears, “I’ll never be good enough for you.”

And here’s the thing: as adults, they’re no longer under your roof—they don’t have to stay close if the relationship feels unsafe.

The antidote? Offer encouragement and curiosity instead of judgment.

Try saying, “I can see how much effort you put into that” or “Tell me more about how that felt for you.” It’s amazing how validation softens walls that criticism has built.

2. Ignoring boundaries

Do you drop by their home without notice, weigh in on their financial decisions, or press them for details they’re not ready to share?

What feels like care to you can feel like intrusion to them. As marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein notes that boundaries work both ways—when one person consistently crosses the line, resentment builds on both sides.

Respecting your adult child’s boundaries doesn’t mean you’re no longer close. It means you’re treating them as the independent adult they are.

Instead of assuming, ask. “Would it help if I gave advice here, or do you just want me to listen?” Or “When would be a good time to come by?”

This kind of respect deepens trust. And trust is the foundation of closeness.

3. Putting pressure on them when they’re struggling

As Dr. Bernstein also points out, putting pressure on a struggling adult child doesn’t motivate them—it damages their well-being and their relationship with you.

It’s natural to want the best for your kids—even when they’re grown. But pushing them to “just get a better job” or “finally settle down” when they’re already overwhelmed only makes things worse.

Think about it: when you’re stressed and someone piles on more expectations, does that inspire you? Or does it make you want to retreat?

Instead of pressuring, practice patience. Let them know you believe in their ability to figure things out. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is simply say, “I’m here for you, no matter how long this takes.”

4. Talking more than you listen

The Stoic philosopher Epictetus once said, “We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we speak”.

Nowhere is this truer than in relationships between parents and adult children.

When your child comes to you, do you jump in with advice before they’ve finished? Do you redirect the story back to your own experiences?

These are subtle ways of saying, “My voice matters more than yours.”

Listening—really listening—means putting aside your own agenda. It’s nodding, asking open questions, and holding back the urge to fix.

Ironically, when you stop trying to steer the conversation, your adult child often opens up more. They don’t want you to solve their problems—they want you to understand them. And that’s how closeness grows.

5. Pretending to be perfect

Lastly, when you present yourself as flawless—the parent who never falters, never doubts, never struggles—you unintentionally create distance. Your children can’t relate to a pedestal.

That doesn’t mean unloading every worry onto your kids. It means allowing just enough vulnerability to show you’re human. For example: “I remember feeling lost at your age, too. It’s hard.”

Perhaps, Brené Brown said it best: “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.”

Sharing even small cracks in your own armor helps your adult children feel safe to share theirs.

Final thoughts

At the end of the day, maintaining closeness with your adult children isn’t about grand gestures—it’s about the little, everyday choices you make.

Do you choose to listen instead of lecture? Respect boundaries instead of crossing them? Encourage instead of criticize? These small shifts change everything.

If you noticed yourself in one (or more) of these behaviors, don’t panic. None of them mean you’ve lost your chance. Relationships are living things—they can grow, mend, and strengthen when we approach them with honesty and love.

And if you want a deeper dive into breaking unhealthy relational patterns, you might find my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship helpful. It offers practical ways to unlearn the habits that hold us back from real closeness.

For now though, just know that your bond with your adult children can be one of the most rewarding relationships of your life. And it’s never too late to make it stronger.