If a man grew up in an unhappy home, he’ll often display these 8 behaviors in a relationship

We’ve all heard the saying that we become the people we spend the most time with.

But what happens when those formative years—the ones that shape our deepest understanding of love and relationships—were spent in chaos?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially after a conversation with a friend whose marriage has been rocky.

As we talked, patterns started emerging that reminded me of something I’d read recently in Rudá Iandê’s book Laughing in the Face of Chaos.

The book touches on how our inherited programming from family shapes so much of who we become.

The truth is, men who grew up in unhappy homes often carry invisible wounds into their adult relationships.

These aren’t excuses for bad behavior, mind you, but understanding these patterns can help us—and the people we love—navigate relationships with more compassion and awareness.

So what should you watch for?

Here are eight behaviors that often show up when a man’s childhood home wasn’t the safe haven it should have been.

1. He struggles with emotional intimacy

Ever notice how some men seem to put up walls the moment a conversation gets too deep?

This often stems from growing up in homes where vulnerability was either punished or simply never modeled.

When a boy learns early that sharing feelings leads to ridicule, rejection, or being ignored entirely, he develops protective mechanisms.

He might change the subject when things get serious, deflect with humor, or simply shut down completely.

It’s not that he doesn’t want closeness—quite the opposite.

But opening up feels dangerous when your earliest experiences taught you that emotions weren’t safe.

The very thing he craves most becomes the thing he fears most.

2. He has trouble trusting his partner completely

Trust doesn’t come naturally when your first lessons about relationships were learned in an unpredictable household.

Maybe Dad promised to show up to games but never did, or Mom said everything was fine while clearly falling apart.

These early experiences create a nagging voice that whispers, “People always let you down eventually.”

So even in a loving relationship, he might find himself waiting for the other shoe to drop.

He may check up on his partner more than necessary, have difficulty believing compliments, or struggle to rely on others for support.

It’s not necessarily jealousy or controlling behavior—it’s a deep-seated belief that disappointment is inevitable.

His guard stays up because letting it down once meant getting hurt by the people who were supposed to protect him most.

3. He avoids conflict at all costs

When you’ve witnessed screaming matches, slamming doors, or the cold silence that follows explosive arguments, peace becomes precious.

Many men from unhappy homes develop an almost allergic reaction to conflict.

He might agree to things he doesn’t actually want, bottle up frustrations until they explode, or simply disappear when tensions rise.

The problem is, healthy relationships require some level of disagreement and working through issues together.

But to him, any sign of conflict feels like the relationship is falling apart.

His nervous system learned early that raised voices mean danger, so he’ll do anything to keep the waters calm—even if it means sacrificing his own needs or letting resentment build.

He hasn’t learned yet that conflict can actually strengthen a relationship when handled with care and respect.

4. He’s either overly independent or completely dependent

Growing up in dysfunction often creates men who swing to one extreme or the other when it comes to self-reliance.

Some become fiercely independent, convinced they can only count on themselves because everyone else will eventually disappoint them.

Others go the opposite direction, becoming overly clingy or dependent on their partner for emotional regulation, decision-making, or even basic life tasks.

They never learned what healthy interdependence looks like.

The independent type might refuse help even when he desperately needs it, while the dependent type might struggle to make simple choices without constant reassurance.

Both stem from the same root—not having reliable, consistent role models who showed him how to balance autonomy with healthy connection.

Neither extreme leaves much room for the give-and-take that makes relationships thrive.

5. He struggles with self-worth and needs constant validation

When a child grows up hearing more criticism than praise, or worse, being ignored altogether, he often carries that damaged self-image into adulthood.

He might constantly seek reassurance about his appearance, his decisions, or whether his partner still loves him.

On the flip side, he might act overly confident or boastful to mask deep insecurities.

Either way, he’s looking to his partner to fill a void that should have been filled by unconditional love in childhood.

This can be exhausting for both people in the relationship.

No amount of external validation can truly heal those early wounds, but understanding where this need comes from can help create more patience and compassion while he works on building genuine self-worth from within.

6. He has difficulty managing his emotions

Emotional regulation is a skill we learn by watching our parents handle stress, disappointment, and joy.

But what happens when your role models were either explosive, completely shut down, or swinging wildly between the two?

He might have anger outbursts over small things, shut down completely when overwhelmed, or struggle to identify what he’s actually feeling.

Maybe he learned that anger was the only acceptable emotion for men, so everything—sadness, fear, disappointment—gets filtered through rage.

Or perhaps he learned to stuff everything down so deeply that he’s genuinely confused when asked how he feels about something.

These aren’t character flaws—they’re survival mechanisms that served him once but now interfere with intimate connection.

7. He recreates familiar patterns, even unhealthy ones

Here’s something that might sound backwards: sometimes we’re drawn to what feels familiar, even when it’s harmful.

If chaos was normal in his childhood home, peaceful relationships might actually feel boring or wrong to him.

He might unconsciously create drama, pick fights when things are going too well, or be attracted to partners who remind him of his dysfunctional family dynamics.

It’s not that he wants to be unhappy—it’s that his nervous system is calibrated for stress and uncertainty.

As Rudá Iandê writes in Laughing in the Face of Chaos: “Most of us don’t even know who we truly are. We wear masks so often, mold ourselves so thoroughly to fit societal expectations, that our real selves become a distant memory.”

Breaking these patterns requires recognizing them first.

8. He has unrealistic expectations about love

Movies and books often portray love as this magical force that conquers all, but men from unhappy homes might take this to an extreme.

He might expect his partner to heal all his childhood wounds, make him feel complete, or provide the unconditional love he never received.

When reality doesn’t match this fantasy—because no human being can be someone’s everything—he feels disappointed and betrayed.

He might jump from relationship to relationship, always searching for that perfect love that will fix everything.

Or he might become controlling, trying to mold his partner into his ideal.

Neither approach works because real love isn’t about finding someone to complete you—it’s about two whole people choosing to build something together.

Moving forward with compassion

Look, none of this is about making excuses for poor behavior in relationships.

We’re all responsible for our actions, regardless of our backgrounds.

But understanding these patterns can be the first step toward healing—whether you recognize them in yourself or someone you care about.

The good news?

These patterns aren’t permanent.

With awareness, patience, and often some professional help, it’s absolutely possible to break cycles that started in childhood.

I’ve seen it happen, both in my own family and among friends who’ve done the hard work of healing.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who displays these behaviors, remember what I mentioned from Rudá Iandê’s book: “Their happiness is their responsibility, not yours.”

You can offer support and understanding, but you can’t fix someone else’s childhood wounds.

And if you recognize yourself in these patterns?

Be gentle with that younger version of you who learned to survive in difficult circumstances.

Those survival strategies served you once, but now it might be time to learn new ones.

What matters most is taking that first brave step toward breaking the cycle—because the relationships we build today shape the homes of tomorrow.