7 things boomers think are polite that younger generations don’t

Etiquette isn’t a fixed rulebook we all signed at birth.

It’s a living language that changes with culture, technology, and—yes—generation.

As a relationship counselor, I see the same family friction play out again and again: one person is trying to be considerate and the other person feels their boundaries are being bulldozed.

Both swear they’re being “polite.”

What if we treated politeness less like manners and more like consent—something we co-create with the people in front of us? I’m writing this with my Eluxe readers in mind, the ones who care about living kindly and consciously.

Here are seven well-intended gestures that often land differently across generations, plus simple swaps that keep kindness intact and respect front and center.

1. Dropping by unannounced

For many boomers, popping round without warning is a sign of warmth: “I was in the neighborhood and didn’t want to trouble you with a call.”

For younger folks, that same knock can spike anxiety. Working from home, decompressing after a sensory-heavy day, or just not being “socially ready” makes a surprise visit feel like an intrusion rather than affection.

The fix is simple and respectful: text first. A quick “Thinking of swinging by—good time or another day?” protects energy and still communicates care.

And if you’re the one receiving the drop-in, you’re allowed to say, “I’m glad you came, but next time can you text first? I’m in the middle of something.”

2. Calling out of the blue (and leaving long voicemails)

Phones used to be anchors. Calling someone—on a landline, no less—signaled genuine investment.

Today, phones are portals to everything, and many younger people protect their attention like a scarce resource.

An unexpected call can feel like a demand for immediate availability; a three-minute voicemail can feel like homework.

Try “consent to connect.” Text first: “Free for a quick call?” If you must leave a voicemail, keep it crisp: “Hey! Two quick things. Can you text me a good time to talk?” Younger generations aren’t anti-conversation; they’re pro-choice about when it happens.

If you’re receiving the call, you can set a clean boundary: “Voice notes work better for me than voicemails,” or, “Please email the details so I don’t miss anything.”

3. Commenting on someone’s appearance or life milestones

“You’ve lost weight—you look amazing!” “When are you two having kids?” “You’d look prettier if you smiled.”

Many boomers grew up with the idea that noticing appearance is a kindness, and asking about marriage or babies is friendly interest.

For younger generations—who are navigating body neutrality, fertility privacy, and identity with more openness—those remarks can land as judgment, pressure, or even a trigger.

Swap praise for curiosity. Instead of “You look like you’ve lost weight,” try “You look radiant—how are you feeling?” And leave timelines alone. If someone wants to share their plans around partnerships, children, or gender identity, they will.

You might have read my post on boundary scripts for family gatherings; this is where they shine. A calm “I’m not discussing my body/relationship plans” is plenty. As Maya Angelou reminds us, “People will never forget how you made them feel.” Feeling seen beats being evaluated every time.

4. Using titles and touch as automatic respect

“Sir.” “Ma’am.” Standing up when an elder enters the room. Handshakes and hugs as default greetings. These customs were taught as respect in many boomer households.

Younger generations tend to prioritize chosen names, pronouns, and consent around touch. Some are managing neurodiversity, chronic illness, or trauma. Others simply prefer first-name interactions and a no-touch policy unless invited.

A modern script that still honors dignity: “I’m Alex—what name and pronouns do you use?” And before you reach in for a hug or even a handshake: “Are you a hugger?” or “Elbow bump or wave?”

You’ll be amazed at how warm it feels to ask rather than assume. Respect isn’t a ritual; it’s responsiveness.

5. Bringing “something—anything!” as a host gift

Showing up with a bottle of wine, a bouquet wrapped in plastic, or a novelty trinket used to be the gold standard of graciousness.

The intention is lovely. The impact can be less so if your host doesn’t drink, is allergic to flowers, or is trying to live with less and buy better.

Younger guests often lean toward what I call “eco-kindness”: ask what’s needed, bring something truly useful (ice, dessert, a playlist, help with cleanup), or gift experiences.

If you love tangible gifts, keep them low-waste and thoughtful: a jar of homemade chutney, locally baked bread in a cloth bag, a plant cutting, or a donation to a cause your host loves.

And if you’re the host, take the awkwardness out of it: “No gifts, please—if you want to bring something, we’d love fruit or seltzer.” Politeness that prevents waste is a win for everyone.

6. Offering unsolicited advice and “little corrections”

“I’m just trying to help” is one of the most common refrains I hear in my counseling room. Grammar tweaks in the middle of a story. Career detours you didn’t ask for. Parenting tips delivered with a sigh. For many boomers, expertise is care.

To younger ears, unsolicited advice often lands as judgment. It assumes you know the goal and the context—and that the other person asked you to drive.

A tiny adjustment changes everything: ask permission. “Would you like a thought on that?” “Want troubleshooting or just a listening ear?” Nine words can transmute condescension into collaboration.

In my book Breaking The Attachment, I write about the rescuing reflex—how jumping in to fix can be a way to manage our own discomfort. When we pause, we practice emotional maturity and give the relationship space to breathe.

7. Choosing “niceness” over boundaries

This one probably deserved a higher spot on the list.

Finally.

I’ve saved a big one until last, friends.

“Don’t make a scene.” “Be nice.” “Smile.” Many of us were raised—especially women and marginalized folks—to equate politeness with self-silencing. Younger generations are rewriting that script, and thank goodness.

They prioritize psychological safety, equity, and consent, even when that means uncomfortable conversations.

Being truly kind sometimes looks like saying, “That joke didn’t sit right with me,” or, “I’m going to opt out of this topic,” or, “I don’t feel comfortable with that hug.” That’s not rudeness; that’s responsibility for your own nervous system and respect for the group.

At the end of the day, a relationship that can’t hold a boundary isn’t a safe one. Emotional courage beats performative niceness every single time.

Final thoughts

If you’re a boomer reading this and thinking, “But these were the rules I was taught!”—you’re not wrong.

Those rules worked in the context they were created for. But contexts shift. Homes double as offices. Communities are more diverse. We’re more aware of mental health and trauma. Technology gives us more channels and more choices.

And if you’re younger and a little smug right now, take a breath. Politeness isn’t about winning an era. It’s about tuning to the person in front of you. What feels respectful in a WhatsApp chat might feel dismissive to your dad. What feels warm to your aunt might feel overwhelming to your partner.

Here are a few bridge-builders that work across generations:

• Ask instead of assume. “What works for you?” is the politest sentence I know.

• State your preferences without apology. “I’m a text-first person.” “I prefer not to discuss my health.”

• Offer choice. “Call, text, or email—what do you like?”

• Use the Platinum Rule. The Golden Rule says treat others how you want to be treated. The Platinum Rule says treat them how they want to be treated. It’s empathy in action.

If you’re navigating a family dinner soon, try a pre-conversation: “Hey, I want tonight to feel good for everyone. How do you feel about surprise visits, phone calls, or touch?”

It might feel awkward for ten seconds. Then it will feel like relief.

We don’t need to abandon tradition to honor evolution. We need to keep the heart of politeness—care—while updating the behaviors so they actually land as care.

Etiquette that doesn’t include consent isn’t etiquette—it’s theater. The beautiful thing about manners is that they’re learned. Which means they can be unlearned and relearned, too.

When in doubt, choose clarity, curiosity, and consent. Those three, across any generation, never go out of style.