7 things in life you should always keep to yourself no matter how comfortable you feel around someone

I’ve noticed something over the years. The closer we get to someone, the more we feel compelled to share everything. It’s like proximity gives us permission to open every drawer and turn out every pocket.

But here’s what I’ve learned: intimacy doesn’t mean transparency about everything. Some things are better kept to yourself, not because you’re being dishonest, but because certain information doesn’t strengthen bonds. It strains them.

I used to think that withholding anything was a form of dishonesty. Then I watched friendships fracture, trust erode, and relationships complicate themselves over things that never needed to be said in the first place.

So let’s talk about the seven things you should keep to yourself, even when you feel incredibly close to someone.

1) A constant stream of your deepest insecurities and self-doubts

There’s a difference between being vulnerable and using someone as a dumping ground for every anxious thought that crosses your mind.

I overcame people-pleasing habits by learning to be more direct, but I also had to learn when to keep my internal weather system to myself. Not every self-critical thought deserves airtime, especially the repetitive ones that don’t lead anywhere productive.

When you constantly voice your deepest insecurities to someone, you’re essentially asking them to become your mirror and your therapist. That’s a lot of weight for any relationship to carry.

Share struggles, sure. But the running commentary of “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll probably fail at this” starts to shape how others see you, even when they don’t want it to.

Keep some of that internal dialogue internal. Work through it in other ways: journaling, therapy, yoga (which I do at least three times a week), or simply letting thoughts pass without announcing them.

2) Detailed financial information

Money is one of those topics where specifics rarely help and often hurt.

I learned financial mindfulness from a parent who tracked every expense, and part of that wisdom was knowing when to keep numbers private. You can discuss financial stress, budgeting strategies, or even general concerns without disclosing your exact salary, savings balance, or what you paid for something.

Here’s why: financial information changes how people relate to you. Share that you got a significant raise, and suddenly some friends might expect you to pick up every check. Mention you’re struggling, and others might question your choices or treat you differently.

The exceptions? A spouse during your weekly check-in ritual (like the Sunday one I use), a financial advisor, or when you’re making joint decisions that require transparency.

Otherwise, keep the numbers to yourself.

3) Complaints about mutual friends or family

This one is tricky because venting feels so good in the moment.

But here’s what happens: you vent about your sister to your best friend. You feel better. Your anger passes. You move on and repair things with your sister. But your best friend? They remember every complaint. Now they’ve formed an opinion about your sister that you no longer hold.

I maintain a small circle of close friends and prioritize depth over breadth, which means I’m careful about what I introduce into those relationships. Witnessing a friend’s divorce showed me how poisonous it can be when friends absorb all your relationship complaints and then can’t let them go.

Vent to a therapist. Write it out. Process it privately.

If you must discuss a problem with someone mutual, be specific about what you need and fair in your description. Don’t just unload.

4) Every detail of your romantic past

Some people believe that total honesty about past relationships is a sign of trust. I believe it’s often a sign of poor boundaries.

Your partner doesn’t need to know every intimate detail of your previous relationships. They don’t need a ranked list or play-by-play comparisons. They need to know you’re committed to them now and that your past taught you things that make you better in the present.

I married my high-school sweetheart, so my own romantic past is pretty straightforward. But in my practice, I’ve seen how oversharing about exes creates insecurity, jealousy, and unnecessary mental competition.

Some details about your past belong in your past. Honesty doesn’t mean full disclosure about every experience you’ve ever had. It means being truthful about who you are now and how you show up in your current relationship.

5) Confidential information others shared with you

This should be obvious, but it’s violated constantly.

A difficult client termination taught me the importance of ethical boundaries, and those boundaries extend beyond my practice. When someone shares something with you in confidence, that information isn’t yours to redistribute. Not even to your closest person. Not even if you frame it as “you can’t tell anyone, but…”

The second you share someone’s secret, you’ve told that person they can’t trust you. And more importantly, you’ve told the person you’re sharing with that you’re not trustworthy either.

If you need to process something someone told you, talk about your feelings about it without revealing identifying details. Or talk to a professional who’s bound by confidentiality.

6) Your unformed plans and early-stage goals

There’s something magical that happens when you protect a new idea.

I’ve noticed that when people announce goals before they’ve taken action on them, they often get a premature sense of accomplishment. The praise for the intention replaces the satisfaction of the execution.

Plus, sharing half-baked plans invites opinions you might not be ready for. Not everyone will be supportive. Some will project their own fears onto your dreams. Others will offer advice you didn’t ask for.

When I decided to transition from school guidance counselor to relationship therapist in my early thirties, I didn’t announce it widely. I took the additional training in emotionally focused therapy, built skills, and then shared the plan once it was solid.

Let your actions speak first. Share your goals after you’ve already started walking toward them.

7) Comparisons between your partner and others

“My friend’s husband always plans elaborate date nights.” “Your brother is so much better at fixing things around the house.” “I wish you were as ambitious as my colleague.”

These comparisons are relationship poison. They don’t motivate change. They create resentment, inadequacy, and distance.

I use an annual “relationship audit” to assess who energizes or depletes me, but I never share those rankings with people. Similarly, I practice generous assumptions while still confirming facts, which means I assume my partner is doing their best rather than comparing them to some imaginary standard.

If there’s something you need in your relationship, ask for it directly. “I’d love if we could plan a special date night once a month” is different from “Why don’t you plan dates like other people do?”

One invites collaboration. The other invites defensiveness.

Final thoughts

Privacy isn’t the opposite of intimacy. It’s actually what protects it.

Knowing what to keep to yourself isn’t about being secretive or dishonest. It’s about being intentional with what you share and understanding that not everything needs to be spoken aloud to be resolved or processed.

The people closest to you don’t need access to every thought, fear, number, or comparison that crosses your mind. They need your presence, your honesty about what matters, and your respect for the boundaries that keep relationships healthy.

As I tell clients all the time: connection isn’t built on saying everything. It’s built on saying the right things to the right people at the right time.