5 things emotionally intelligent parents never do, no matter how stressed they feel

Parenting is one of the most rewarding roles we’ll ever take on, but let’s be honest—it can also be one of the most draining. Long days, sleepless nights, endless responsibilities—it’s easy to feel stretched thin.

And when we’re stressed, our patience is tested. That’s when the way we respond matters most.

From my work as a relationship expert, I’ve seen firsthand how emotionally intelligent parents manage to keep calm and avoid certain harmful patterns—even in their most difficult moments. They don’t have to be perfect, but they do have a level of awareness that stops stress from running the show.

Here are five things I’ve noticed emotionally intelligent parents never do, no matter how much pressure they’re under.

1. Dismiss their child’s emotions

Crying can be uncomfortable to witness. Maybe you’re late for work, your child is melting down, and you just want the tears to stop.

But shutting down a child’s emotions with phrases like “Stop crying” or “There’s nothing to be upset about” only teaches them to bottle up their feelings.

As noted by the folks at Harvard Health, crying is a natural response to a wide range of emotions—grief, sadness, joy, even relief. It’s the body’s way of processing what words sometimes can’t. When parents dismiss that, they unintentionally communicate that their child’s feelings aren’t valid.

Instead, emotionally intelligent parents pause and acknowledge. They might say, “I see you’re upset right now” or “It’s okay to cry when you feel sad.” This doesn’t mean letting kids cry endlessly without boundaries, but it does mean letting them know their emotions are acceptable.

2. Praise their children for being “smart”

Here’s one that might surprise you. 

It might sound positive, even encouraging, to tell your child, “You’re so smart.” After all, who doesn’t want their kid to feel bright and capable?

Well, research shows this type of praise can backfire. Children praised for being “smart” often start to avoid challenges.

They fear failure because it might mean they’re not as naturally intelligent as everyone thinks. In contrast, praising effort—things like perseverance, hard work, or creative problem-solving—helps kids build resilience.

I’ve often worked with parents of teens who had developed crippling perfectionism. Many of them admitted that growing up, they were praised constantly for their intelligence. The moment they struggled with something, they felt like they had failed completely.

That’s why emotionally intelligent parents avoid the “You’re so smart” trap. Instead, they say things like:

• “I love how hard you worked on this.”

• “I can see how much effort you put into solving that problem.”

• “You didn’t give up, even when it was tough.”

This type of encouragement builds a growth mindset. It tells kids that progress comes from effort, not just talent, and that mistakes are part of learning.

3. Tell their child they’re “too sensitive”

When a child reacts strongly to something—a hurtful comment, a scary movie, or even an offhand remark—it can be tempting to brush it off with, “You’re too sensitive.”

But labeling a child as “too” anything makes them feel defective, as though their natural temperament is wrong. Emotionally intelligent parents know this can lead to shame and self-doubt later on.

Instead, they help their kids name their emotions and learn to regulate them. Psychiatrist and author Daniel J. Siegel calls this the “name it to tame it” approach. When children can put words to what they’re feeling—sad, angry, anxious—they gain the ability to calm themselves down.

Instead, emotionally intelligent parents might say:

• “I can see that comment really hurt you. Do you want to tell me more about why?”

• “It seems like you’re feeling overwhelmed. Let’s talk it through.”

This creates an environment where emotions are seen as signals to be understood—not flaws to be erased.

4. Unload their stress onto their children

Parenting doesn’t happen in a bubble. You might be stressed from work, finances, or even your own relationship challenges. But emotionally intelligent parents know the difference between sharing honestly and dumping their stress on their kids.

Children are incredibly perceptive. Even without words, they pick up on tension, frustration, and anger. When parents vent their adult problems to their children—or worse, lash out—it creates anxiety and confusion. Kids may even feel responsible for fixing the problem, which is a burden no child should carry.

Emotionally intelligent parents give their kids reassurance, not responsibility. They model healthy coping by handling stress in age-appropriate ways—whether that’s going for a walk, practicing deep breathing, or simply saying, “I need a moment to calm down.”

5. Make love conditional on behavior

Every parent gets frustrated. Kids push boundaries, talk back, or forget their chores. But emotionally intelligent parents never make affection or acceptance feel conditional on perfect behavior.

Saying things like “I don’t love you when you act like this” might seem harmless in the moment, but it cuts deep. It teaches children that love can be withdrawn if they fail to meet expectations. Over time, this can create anxiety and fear of rejection.

Instead, emotionally intelligent parents separate the child from the behavior. They make it clear: “I love you, but I don’t like this behavior.” The love is constant; the discipline is about choices and consequences.

Final thoughts

Here’s the truth: no parent gets it right all the time. We all have moments where stress gets the better of us.

If you’re reading this and recognizing patterns you’ve fallen into, don’t beat yourself up. Change starts with noticing. And the fact that you’re here, seeking out ways to parent with more emotional intelligence, already speaks volumes.