You’re three dates in, and he’s charming enough. Then comes the joke about his “crazy ex” who “couldn’t take a joke.” You laugh politely, but something sits wrong. Later, you’ll realize this was the first warning—that moment when someone tells you exactly who they are while pretending they’re kidding.
We’ve all been there, dismissing these moments as awkward humor or giving the benefit of the doubt. But certain jokes aren’t really jokes at all. They’re test balloons, seeing how much you’ll tolerate. They’re beliefs wrapped in the protective armor of comedy, where any objection makes you the one without a sense of humor.
1. The “I’m basically a toddler” jokes
“Good thing you’re here, or I’d be eating cereal for every meal.” “I can’t even operate a washing machine—that’s what girlfriends are for, right?” These self-deprecating quips about basic incompetence aren’t humble; they’re strategic. He’s telling you he expects to be parented, not partnered with.
Watch how quickly these jokes become reality. Suddenly you’re the one managing his calendar, reminding him of his mother’s birthday, doing the emotional labor of two adults while he shrugs and says, “You’re just better at this stuff.” The incompetence isn’t real—he manages complex projects at work just fine. It’s selective, deployed whenever responsibility isn’t fun.
2. The violence fantasies disguised as protection
“I’d kill any guy who looked at you wrong.” “Good thing that bartender walked away, or things would’ve gotten ugly.” He frames these as chivalrous, but there’s an undercurrent of pride in the potential for violence. He wants you to know he could hurt someone, that this capacity lives just beneath his surface.
These aren’t protective instincts; they’re control dressed up as care. Men who genuinely want to protect create safety through reliability and emotional stability, not through threats of violence. They understand that making you feel secure doesn’t require making others feel threatened.
3. The “all my exes are psycho” routine
Every woman he’s dated was “crazy,” “clingy,” or “couldn’t handle” him. He laughs about how they “lost it” when he forgot their anniversary or stayed out all night. The stories are always told for laughs, positioning him as the reasonable one who barely escaped with his sanity intact.
When every ex is painted as irrational, the pattern becomes clear. These jokes are preemptive strikes, conditioning you to never act like “those crazy women” who had legitimate grievances. You’ll find yourself suppressing reasonable requests, afraid of becoming another punchline in his repertoire.
4. The boundary-testing “compliments”
“You’re not like other girls—you can actually take a joke.” “I love how you don’t get all sensitive about everything.” These aren’t compliments; they’re ground rules. He’s telling you that your value depends on your tolerance for disrespect, that being “cool” means never calling him out.
Notice how these comments often come right after he’s said something hurtful. He’s training you to suppress your reactions, to pride yourself on being the exception. But there’s no prize for being the coolest girl in the room when the room is on fire.
5. The homophobic panic jokes
“No homo, but that’s a nice shirt.” “That’s gay” as a punchline for anything remotely emotional or aesthetic. These jokes reveal a deep discomfort with anything that threatens his narrow definition of masculinity. He’s so terrified of being perceived as less than ultra-masculine that he has to constantly assert the opposite.
Men who are secure in themselves don’t need to constantly affirm their heterosexuality or mock anything that falls outside rigid gender norms. This reflexive homophobia often comes paired with an inability to have close male friendships or express any vulnerable emotions.
6. The “women are so complicated” comedy hour
“Women and their feelings, am I right?” “Must be that time of the month.” “Female logic”—followed by exaggerated eye rolls. These jokes position women as inherently irrational, impossible to understand, fundamentally different creatures whose emotions are problems to be managed rather than experiences to be understood.
He’s telling you he has no intention of learning your emotional language. Your feelings will always be excessive, your needs will always be too much, your perspectives will always be dismissed as “female hysteria.” It’s misogyny with a laugh track.
7. The financial control “humor”
“Better not let her see the credit card bill.” “She’s expensive, but worth it—I think.” “Guess I’m paying again, what else is new?” These jokes about money establish a power dynamic where he’s the benevolent provider and you’re the frivolous spender, regardless of your actual financial situation.
These comments create an invisible debt, a sense that you owe him for his financial investment. They make you second-guess legitimate needs or wants, always wondering if you’re being “too expensive.” Financial autonomy becomes something to feel guilty about rather than entitled to.
8. The public humiliation presented as teasing
He tells embarrassing stories about you at parties, always ending with “She hates when I tell this story” while continuing anyway. He makes jokes about your appearance, your habits, your family, then accuses you of being unable to laugh at yourself when you don’t find it funny.
This is dominance disguised as playfulness. He needs an audience to witness him putting you in your place, to see that he can embarrass you without consequences. Your discomfort is the point—it reinforces his position as the one who decides what’s funny and what crosses the line.
9. The “just kidding” about control
“Maybe I should check your phone—kidding!” “You’re not allowed to have male friends. Just joking… unless?” These jokes about controlling behavior are trial runs. He’s testing your boundaries, seeing if you’ll push back or if you’ll let it slide because he said he was kidding.
The “just kidding” is never really kidding. It’s a probe, checking if you’ll accept the premise. When you don’t object to the joke, he takes it as permission to move the boundary a little further next time. Eventually, the “kidding” drops away entirely, but by then, the control feels normal.
Final thoughts
Here’s what I’ve learned: when someone shows you who they are through humor, believe them. These jokes aren’t harmless—they’re blueprints. They reveal how he sees women, relationships, and his place in the world. They show you what he thinks is acceptable to mock, diminish, or control.
The right partner doesn’t need to test your boundaries through humor. They don’t need to establish dominance through public embarrassment or frame basic respect as being “whipped.” Their jokes bring joy, not discomfort. They laugh with you, not at you.
Trust that discomfort you feel when something’s presented as funny but lands like a threat. That’s not you being too sensitive or lacking a sense of humor—that’s your instincts recognizing danger dressed up in a punchline. The jokes that aren’t funny are often the most honest things toxic men ever say. The trick is learning to hear what they’re really telling you, and having the courage to believe it the first time.
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