If someone truly respects you, they’ll never use these 7 phrases

Respect isn’t just a feeling.

It’s a language. You can hear it in the pauses people take to listen, in the words they choose when they’re frustrated, and in the way they circle back when they’ve missed the mark.

As a counselor, I’ve watched relationships heal when partners swap sharp, minimizing phrases for curious, accountable ones. I’ve also seen strong bonds fray because one person kept using the same disrespectful scripts. Words matter—and the ones below are red flags I never ignore.

Before we dive in, a quick gut check: have you heard any of these lately? If so, this list isn’t an indictment—it’s an invitation. Healthy love is teachable.

1. “Calm down”

On the surface, it sounds reasonable. Underneath, it’s controlling.

“Calm down” translates to: Regulate your feelings so I don’t have to regulate mine. It dismisses your nervous system in real time. When someone is activated, being told to calm down rarely calms them down—it tells them their experience is inconvenient.

A respectful alternative sounds like: “I want to understand. Can we take a breath together?” Or, “I’m getting overwhelmed. Can we pause for five minutes and then talk?” Notice the difference? One polices emotion; the other takes responsibility for the impact of emotion and co-creates safety.

If you catch yourself defaulting to this phrase, try naming the need beneath it: “I’m feeling flooded—can we slow this conversation?” That keeps both dignity and dialogue intact.

2. “You’re too sensitive” (or “You’re overreacting”)

This is the calling card of gaslighting. It reframes your hurt as a flaw rather than a signal that something happened. In many couples sessions, I’ve watched a partner shut down the moment this lands; it’s a fast track to loneliness.

The folks at Psychology Today have written about how “you’re too sensitive” functions as a classic gaslighting routine—especially in dynamics with narcissistic traits—because it teaches you to question your reality instead of the behavior that caused the hurt.

A more respectful script: “I didn’t realize that landed so hard—can you tell me what you felt when I said that?” Curiosity repairs. Dismissiveness erodes.

3. “Whatever”

Contempt in one word. An eye roll with syllables.

“Whatever” isn’t neutral; it’s a withdrawal of regard. Over time, contempt corrodes intimacy faster than almost anything I see in practice. The folks at Verywell Mind stand behind this, noting that contempt is one of the “Four Horsemen” that predict relationship breakdown in Gottman’s research.

If you’ve slipped into “whatever,” zoom out. What boundary or need is going undeclared? Try, “I’m feeling defensive and tempted to shut down. I want to finish this conversation when I can listen better. Can we revisit after dinner?” That’s boundary-setting without the sting.

4. “You always…” / “You never…”

Absolutes are conversation bulldozers. They flatten a complex person into a caricature and make meaningful change feel pointless. Nobody always forgets the dishes; nobody never shows up. (And if they truly never do, we’re in bigger territory than a phrase can fix.)

Respectful people make specific observations about behaviors and stick to the present: “When you were late today without a text, I felt unimportant.” That keeps the door open to accountability. Bonus tip I give my clients: replace “you” with “I” and watch the tone shift.

If you’re on the receiving end, redirect absolutes: “I want to understand the moment that hurt. Can you tell me about today?”

5. “I don’t owe you an explanation”

Technically, in many contexts, that’s true. Emotionally? In a close relationship, it’s chilly—and it often masks avoidance or shame.

Brené Brown puts it well: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Clarity isn’t about justifying every choice; it’s about providing enough context that your partner doesn’t have to fill the gaps with fear.

Offering a brief explanation—“I’m quiet tonight because I had a hard day and need an hour to decompress”—honors both your autonomy and their attachment needs.

Respect looks like choosing transparency when silence would breed anxiety, and asking for space without punishing the other person for wanting proximity.

6. “I’m not talking about this”

Finally, here’s one that shows up in my office weekly. I’ve saved a big one until last, friends.

Refusing to engage—stonewalling—shuts down repair. Now, strategic pauses are healthy; “I’m flooded, I need 20 minutes” is responsible self-regulation. But a blanket “I’m not talking about this” (especially as a pattern) communicates: Your needs don’t register here.

The crew at Healthline has highlighted that chronic stonewalling makes it nearly impossible to work through important issues because it blocks communication and erodes trust over time.

Try a respectful boundary instead: “I want to get this right. I’m at capacity. Can we take a break and pick it back up at 8 p.m.?” Then, keep the appointment. Consistency is respect made visible.

7. “If you loved me, you’d…”

At the end of the day, love is not leverage. This phrase weaponizes affection to get compliance, and it’s a form of emotional blackmail. In my book-writing days and in the therapy room, I’ve seen how quickly this script breeds resentment and secrecy. It pressures the other person to prove love by violating their own boundaries.

A respectful partner shares desires without coercion: “It would mean a lot to me if you came to dinner with my friends Friday. Are you up for it?” If the answer is no, a respectful response is not to escalate—it’s to explore: “Help me understand what’s in the way.”

If you’ve used this phrase before, forgive yourself and repair: “I was trying to get reassurance and it came out as pressure. I’m sorry. What I actually need is…”

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” —Maya Angelou

Sometimes the “show” is in these micro-moments of language.

Here’s what you can try

You might have read my post on setting small, doable boundary scripts. The same principle applies here: swap shame for specificity. Name your feeling. Name your need. Make a clean ask.

Here are a few quick swaps you can borrow today:

• From “Calm down” to “I care about what you’re feeling—can we slow this down together?”

• From “You’re too sensitive” to “I can see that hurt. Tell me more so I don’t miss it.”

• From “Whatever” to “I’m edgy and might shut down. Can we take ten and come back?”

• From “You always…” to “Today, when X happened, I felt Y.”

• From “I don’t owe you an explanation” to “Here’s the thumbnail so you’re not guessing.”

• From “I’m not talking about this” to “I need a pause. Let’s resume at [time].”

• From “If you loved me, you’d…” to “It would mean a lot if…”

And if you’re ever unsure whether a phrase is respectful, ask: Does this protect the other person’s dignity while I take responsibility for my impact? If the answer’s no, try again.

Final thoughts

Respect is not just what we feel for each other; it’s what we repeatedly say to each other—especially in conflict.

If these phrases have crept into your relationship, take heart. With a little awareness and a few replacement lines, you can change the weather inside your home.

And if you’re reading this thinking, “We need help,” that’s not a failure. It’s courage. As I tell my clients, small language changes become big trust changes with practice.