If someone displays these 8 behaviors, they’re not a genuinely good person

We often hear the phrase, “They’re a good person at heart.” But here’s the hard truth: character is defined by behavior, not vague intentions.

In my years as a counselor, I’ve seen countless people justify toxic patterns by saying, “But deep down, they mean well.”The problem? Deep down doesn’t matter if, on the surface, someone’s actions are consistently harmful.

A genuinely good person doesn’t have to convince you of who they are—you simply feel it in how they treat you and others. Their behavior aligns with kindness, empathy, and respect even when no one is watching.

So let’s get clear. If someone displays the following eight behaviors, chances are they’re not the genuinely good person they want you to believe they are.

1. They lack empathy for others

Have you ever shared something painful with someone only to feel dismissed, ignored, or minimized? That’s a lack of empathy in action.

Empathy is the cornerstone of kindness. Without it, people struggle to connect on a deeper level because they can’t—or won’t—step into another’s shoes.

When you’re dealing with someone who consistently says things like “It’s not a big deal,” “You’re overreacting,” or “You’ll get over it,” you’re not being heard—you’re being brushed off.

Psychologist Daniel Goleman, known for his work on emotional intelligence, once noted: “Without empathy, we remain emotionally tone-deaf.” And he’s right. Without empathy, there can be no real compassion or understanding.

Think about it: truly good people don’t have to agree with everything you feel. But they at least validate your experience, offering a safe space for you to be human. If that’s missing, it’s time to take note.

2. They manipulate to get what they want

Manipulation often hides behind charm. Maybe it’s guilt-tripping you when you say no, twisting your words during disagreements, or playing the victim so you’ll cave to their demands.

I once had a client who told me about a friend who “always seemed to win.” When we unpacked it, she realized this friend’s tactics weren’t about fairness—they were about control. The friend knew how to push buttons, how to flatter when convenient, and how to withdraw affection when it wasn’t.

The tricky part about manipulation is that it can be subtle. People who do it well often leave you questioning yourself. You walk away wondering, Am I the problem here?

But here’s the truth: good people don’t need to manipulate. They respect boundaries, communicate directly, and trust that genuine relationships don’t require power plays. If someone is always trying to maneuver you into a corner, their intentions aren’t as pure as they claim.

3. They talk badly about others behind their backs

We all know someone who lights up when sharing gossip. It may seem harmless in the moment, but here’s the thing: if they’re talking that way about others, they’re probably doing the same about you.

Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” If someone consistently chooses gossip over honesty, they’re showing you they value drama more than trust.

And research backs this up. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology reported by The Times found that workplace gossipers are perceived as more sociable—but also less moral and less competent—making them less trusted when it comes to ethical judgment.

I’ve even seen friendships fall apart because one person became known as “the secret spiller.” Once trust is gone, it’s nearly impossible to rebuild.

A genuinely good person knows the value of discretion. They uplift others even when those people aren’t in the room. That’s integrity.

4. They never take accountability

We all make mistakes. The difference between a good person and a not-so-good one? Accountability.

If someone always blames others, dodges responsibility, or insists they’re the victim in every scenario, it reveals an unwillingness to grow. Over time, this creates broken relationships, resentment, and a trail of unresolved issues.

Michelle Obama once noted, “You can’t make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.”Similarly, you can’t live life pointing fingers at everyone else without ever turning the mirror inward.

I once worked with a couple where one partner simply refused to admit fault. Every argument turned into, “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y.” It created a cycle where real resolution was impossible.

Good people own their part, apologize sincerely, and try to do better next time. That’s what maturity looks like.

5. They treat people differently based on status

Watch closely how someone treats people who “can’t do anything for them.” Do they respect the waiter, the janitor, the customer service rep on the phone? Or do they brush them off with impatience and entitlement?

I remember traveling with a colleague years ago who was overly polite to senior executives but dismissive—almost cruel—to the hotel staff. It told me everything I needed to know about his character. And it wasn’t good.

As Warren Buffett famously said: “You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat someone who can do nothing for them.”

It’s easy to be kind when there’s something to gain. But if someone can only show respect when it benefits them, it’s not genuine goodness—it’s opportunism.

A good person treats everyone with basic dignity, regardless of status, power, or title.

6. They thrive on drama and conflict

Some people seem to live in a perpetual storm cloud. They stir up arguments, pit people against each other, and somehow always have a feud brewing.

If peace feels boring to someone, that’s a problem. Good people value resolution; toxic ones thrive on chaos.

I once counseled a family who felt like they were “walking on eggshells” around a relative who constantly created conflict. If things were calm too long, this person would start an argument just to shake things up. It drained everyone’s energy.

Steven Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, once wrote: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” In conflict-driven people, this is taken to the extreme—they don’t want to solve the problem, they just want to win.

When you notice someone consistently creating drama, recognize it for what it is: a pattern, not an accident.

7. They show kindness only when it benefits them

Here’s where it gets tricky: some people appear generous, thoughtful, even altruistic—but only when there’s something in it for them.

Maybe they donate to charity but make sure everyone knows. Or they help a friend move but expect endless favors in return. Their “kindness” is transactional.

True generosity doesn’t require an audience or a return investment. As Sheryl Sandberg has said, “Leadership is about making others better as a result of your presence and making sure that impact lasts in your absence.”

The same applies to kindness. If someone is only “good” when they’re rewarded with recognition, gratitude, or leverage, then it’s not real goodness at all.

A genuinely kind person does good quietly, because it aligns with their values—not because they need applause.

8. They consistently disrespect boundaries

Looking back, this one probably deserved a higher spot on the list. Anyway…

When someone ignores your boundaries—whether emotional, physical, or personal—they’re telling you that your comfort doesn’t matter to them. Maybe it’s a friend who mocks your values, a colleague who invades your time, or a partner who brushes off your limits.

I once had a client who set a clear boundary with her sister about borrowing money. But the sister kept pushing, guilt-tripping, and even going behind her back to ask other relatives. That wasn’t just inconsiderate—it was a lack of respect for her autonomy.

Respecting boundaries is a fundamental marker of decency. Without it, trust crumbles.

Tony Robbins put it well: “The quality of your life is a direct reflection of the quality of the standards you hold for yourself.” If someone can’t respect your standards and limits, they’re not as good-hearted as they want you to think.

Final thoughts

At the end of the day, good people don’t just talk about values—they live them.

None of us are perfect. We’ll all slip into gossip or deflect blame now and then. But when these eight behaviors become patterns, they reveal someone’s true character.

If you recognize these behaviors in people around you, don’t ignore the signs. And if you catch glimpses of them in yourself, don’t panic. Self-awareness is the first step to change.

You might have read my post on breaking unhealthy attachment patterns. The truth is, we can all unlearn behaviors that no longer serve us. I even wrote a book called Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, which dives deeper into how we can reset these dynamics.

A genuinely good person isn’t flawless—they’re just consistently striving to treat others with empathy, respect, and integrity.

And that’s what makes all the difference.