People who rarely felt loved as a child usually display these 7 habits as an adult

Love is a child’s first language of safety. When it’s absent—or shown inconsistently—it doesn’t just fade with time. It leaves fingerprints on the way we relate to ourselves and others, often lasting well into adulthood.

Many of the adults I’ve worked with in my counseling practice have shared the same quiet ache: “Why do I keep falling into the same patterns?” And often, the answer traces back to whether they felt deeply and consistently loved as kids.

If you’ve ever wondered why you second-guess yourself, struggle with closeness, or work harder than anyone else to earn approval, you might find some answers here. Let’s explore seven habits I see most often in adults who grew up without feeling truly loved.

1. Struggling with self-worth

When love is uncertain in childhood, it plants seeds of doubt that grow into adulthood.

Instead of an inner voice saying, “You’re good as you are,” many adults carry one that whispers, “You’ll only be enough if you achieve more, give more, or become someone else.”

I’ve seen this show up in high achievers who, from the outside, appear confident and successful. But inside, they feel like frauds—always waiting to be “found out.” This is classic impostor syndrome, and it has deep roots in childhood neglect of emotional needs.

Daniel Goleman, who popularized the idea of emotional intelligence, once said, “Self-regard is the cornerstone of emotional well-being.” Without that cornerstone, the whole structure wobbles.

The work of adulthood, then, is learning to build self-worth not on external applause but on inner recognition. It means asking yourself: Who am I when I strip away the need to prove anything?

2. Over-giving in relationships

Do you find yourself giving more than you receive—always doing favors, always “showing up,” always stretching yourself thin?

This over-giving often comes from a childhood belief that love is conditional. If you only got affection when you were helpful, quiet, or high-achieving, you may have internalized the idea that you must earn love.

As adults, people who grew up this way often over-function in relationships. They cook, clean, fix, pay, or bend over backward for others, secretly hoping that one day their efforts will be reciprocated with the steady love they longed for.

I once counseled a woman who admitted she bought lavish gifts for friends, even when she was broke, just so they wouldn’t forget her. The heartbreak wasn’t in the money she spent—it was in the way she equated gifts with her worth.

Brené Brown captures this perfectly: “When we numb vulnerability, we numb joy.” Over-giving is a shield against vulnerability—it’s a way to say, “Don’t leave me; I’ll make myself indispensable.”

But real love doesn’t demand exhaustion. It thrives on balance.

3. Difficulty trusting others

If your first lessons about love included abandonment, inconsistency, or betrayal, trust doesn’t come easily.

Children learn trust in those small, everyday interactions: a parent who listens, a caregiver who comforts, someone who shows up when they say they will. Without that, adulthood can feel like walking through life always bracing for disappointment.

I’ve seen this manifest in clients who sabotage healthy relationships because they expect hurt. They interpret kindness as manipulation, distance themselves when things get serious, or constantly test their partner’s loyalty.

Susan Cain once wrote, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” Distrust may be the wound, but with awareness, it can also become the place where healing begins.

Rebuilding trust takes time. It often starts with very small, consistent moments of reliability—with people who show you through actions, not just words, that they can be counted on.

4. Avoiding emotional vulnerability

Many adults who grew up feeling unloved carry an invisible armor. They share facts, jokes, or surface-level details, but keep their true emotions under lock and key.

On the outside, this looks like strength. People may describe you as independent, resilient, or “the rock” in every situation. But inside, the lack of vulnerability blocks deep connection.

I’ve been there myself. Early in my marriage, I thought being strong meant never admitting when I was afraid or overwhelmed. My husband would ask what was wrong, and I’d brush it off with, “Nothing, I’m fine.”

But “fine” built walls between us. It wasn’t until I learned to say, “I’m scared of failing here” that real intimacy grew.

Sheryl Sandberg once said, “We cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.” Becoming aware of how often you hide your emotions is the first step. Allowing yourself to be seen—even in your messiest moments—is where closeness begins.

5. Seeking constant reassurance

When love was inconsistent growing up, adults often grow into chronic reassurance-seekers. They need to hear “I love you” often, or they anxiously scan for signs of rejection: a delayed text, a sigh during a conversation, a partner seeming distant.

It’s not that you’re “too needy.” It’s that your nervous system learned early on that love could vanish at any moment, so it now seeks confirmation again and again.

The problem is, this cycle can strain relationships. Partners may feel drained by the constant need for affirmation, while you may feel perpetually unsatisfied, because reassurance rarely fills the deeper wound.

Michelle Obama once said, “We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‘to do’ list.” Reassurance-seeking is really a call to put yourself higher on that list—to soothe yourself instead of waiting for others to do it.

Try asking: How can I reassure myself right now? Sometimes it’s a reminder, sometimes it’s an act of self-care, sometimes it’s journaling until the fear quiets down.

6. Perfectionism and fear of failure

Looking back, this one probably deserved a higher spot on the list. Anyway…

If affection felt conditional as a child, perfectionism often becomes the survival strategy. You learned: “If I’m flawless, maybe I’ll be loved.”

As adults, perfectionists drive themselves relentlessly. They stay late at work, obsess over details, or avoid risks for fear of failing. On the surface, this earns praise. But underneath, it feeds anxiety, burnout, and an endless sense of never enough.

I remember one client who delayed applying for a promotion for years—not because she wasn’t qualified, but because she feared one small mistake would prove she wasn’t worthy.

Steve Jobs once said, “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.” Perfectionism is one of those noises. True self-love means embracing imperfection as part of being human.

The antidote isn’t sloppiness—it’s allowing yourself to try, to err, and to still believe you’re worthy.

7. Struggling with intimacy

Last but definitely not least, intimacy. Not just physical closeness, but the emotional intimacy of letting someone truly see you.

For many adults who felt unloved as kids, intimacy is both the deepest desire and the greatest fear. You crave closeness, but when someone gets too close, panic sets in. You may pull back, shut down, or even sabotage the relationship.

This push-pull dynamic often leads to cycles of longing followed by withdrawal. Sometimes it also shows up as choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable—because deep down, that feels safer than risking real vulnerability.

Tony Robbins has said, “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” And the quality of relationships depends on intimacy. Letting someone in—bit by bit, at your own pace—isn’t just about love; it’s about healing the wounds of childhood.

I’ve saved a big one for last, friends, because this is the habit that often holds people back the most. And yet, when you begin to slowly practice intimacy—whether by sharing a fear, admitting a need, or staying present when closeness feels scary—you’ll find that love, in its truest form, becomes possible again.

Final thoughts

If these habits sound familiar, please don’t read them as a life sentence. They’re not permanent. They’re patterns—ones you learned for survival when love wasn’t guaranteed.

The beauty of adulthood is that we can unlearn what no longer serves us. Therapy, self-reflection, and surrounding yourself with safe, consistent people can all help. Books, too, can be powerful guides—if you’ve followed my work before, you may know I wrote Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship for this very reason: to help people see that unhealthy patterns don’t have to define them.

At the end of the day, the love you didn’t receive as a child doesn’t define your worth now. You are lovable—not for what you do, not for what you give, not for how perfectly you perform, but simply because you exist.

The journey forward isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about choosing, every day, to believe you are worthy of the love that was missing—and to give yourself permission to receive it.